Goodbye’s
I was just in the hospital lobby trying to say goodbye to Ben and I swear to god it was so hard to pick up my feet and walk away from him. He’s been up here with me since Wednesday and falling asleep and waking up to him has been the most pleasant thing I could ever experience in the hospital. It’s just tough saying goodbye when I’ve been able to spend so much time next time him these past couple days.
Happy Friday
It’s a beautiful day in Portland, Oregon and I’m sitting on my hospital bed in a mixture of wanderlust and disappointment that I can’t really spend much time outside. After two weeks here Mat’s lung function is still 15% lower than it should be. Frida just woke up and that’s the most pleasant news I’ve heard in a while. Evan might get to go home today, and he jsut got here. Last night I was up until 3 o’ clock in the morning waiting for food and helping the secretary pick ball gown for an event she has coming up. I love these people
There’s a remedy to enjoying yourself in the hospital
my nurse let ben spend the night and we had hot lips and everything is A-okay besides that I feel a bit sick. Mat’s still here and I have hella lung pain but what could be better?
sparkly fits of rage at night when I’m alone and I’m coughing, I cough and I cough and I can feel my ribs flexing and bending when I inhale and it makes me mad. It makes me so mad that I would rather just stop breathing. The words “I give up” go through my head, but you can’t give up on breathing but it’s so much trouble. To the point where it’s natural to say “hey, I could do with out it” but if you do with out breathing then you do with out life and that’s not fair. I just want a break from having to work this hard to get oxygen because it feels like I’ll never have enough
Today
Today was really really beautiful and I felt inspired enough to continue this project I’m doing and I felt alright enough after treatments to not be on oxygen and my mom actually called me and asked how I was doing which is really pretty rare for her. It was such a nice day and I had a breathtaking view from the procedure table during my CAT scan and Sam brought me eggplant lasagna. I guess another plus would be that I actually completed a couple assignments and was only a little bit disappointed in myself for how difficult it was to do so.
Nothing that usually comforts me is making me feel alright, I have the most uneasy feeling about the things I love dearly and I can’t breathe. It’s two AM and I just slept for five hours and sleeping at all is something I’m not used to.
